Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Gift of Unbelief

"Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the LORD unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts." Zechariah 4: 6

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." Psalm 119: 105
While I believe pain is unnecessary, I acknowledge that some experiences I've had have been perfect gifts that have awakened me to my true self. What do I mean by true self? The I AM within me, the One that is in all that I call God.

My first conscious memory of hearing what I consider to be the Voice of God was when I was ten years old and involved in a car accident. (See Accident or Omnipresence at Work?). Years later when I got into meditation, I experienced God as Light. I felt myself merging as the Light and knowing that there is only Light. I've had this experience many times. The problem was I wasn't able to assimilate the Light into my every day awareness. I felt like I was living two different lives: the one who is Light that I experienced during meditation and the one going through the human drama. One day I received a gift, persistent pain in one knee, that helped me see that I am not Light having a human experience but Light being Light in all ways.

When I first had the experience of pain in one knee I went to my doctor. After he'd examined it and prescribed some pills for the pain he referred me to a consultant at the orthopaedic hospital.

While I was waiting to be called up to see the consultant I decided to try an osteopath a friend had recommended. She raved about how brilliant he was and had cured a persistent pain she used to have. He believed a trauma I'd experienced as a child, the accident, was the cause. He recommended that I get some Orthotic heels to help with the pain. This eased the pain somewhat but I was still looking for instant results. I had it in mind to see other therapists. The osteopath wanted me to see only him so I stopped seeing him. Besides, I wasn't that convinced about his method.

When I was finally called up to see the orthopaedic consultant, he examined my legs and sent me for an X-ray. After examining the X-ray picture he called another consultant to look at it. I was getting quite concerned by then.

"Well, what's the verdict?" I said.
"Oooh, tricky," the consultant said, "very tricky."
"Go on."
"According to the X-ray there's nothing wrong with you," he said. "That's why I asked my colleague for a second opinion."
"How can this be? I keep getting shooting pains from my knee right to my shin. There's got to be something wrong."
"Sorry, we can't find anything on the X-ray."

The consultant said the only possible reason he could think of was the discrepancy between both legs. After measuring my legs he found one leg was a few millimetres shorter. As I wasn't buying that theory, he referred me to another expert at another orthopaedic hospital. The next consultant couldn't find anything wrong on the X-ray either but came up with a similar theory that it was probably because one leg was slightly shorter than the other. He recommended Orthotic heels, which I was already using, and a course of physiotherapy.

My doctor referred me to a local physiotherapist. I enjoyed the sessions because I fancied the pants off my physiotherapist. It turned out we used to attend the same practical philosophy evening classes and he remembered me, though I couldn't remember him. His theory was that the cause of the pain was my genetic makeup. He got me to do some exercises that hurt like hell, and ultrasound therapy. After several sessions I was still limping. There was only so much he could do anyway particularly as I was having treatment on the NHS (National Health Service) which is free. I daresay if I was paying for treatment I would have been offered other treatments.

Soon I started having a relationship with a chiropractor who gave me free treatment. His theory was degeneration of the knee joint. Again I wasn't too keen on the treatment because sometimes it hurt but I was in love. I reckon with all the pulling and stretching I must have grown a few inches.

Another friend recommended a Reiki healer who had helped her. I took a trip to see this woman all the way in Brighton, over 50 miles from London. She said I had a lot of deep emotional issues to work through, possibly lifetimes of issues that needed to be released. I only had one session with her and never went back.

Out of curiosity I decided to study Reiki so I could give myself healing. I trained up to Level 2 and found it helpful on those days when the pain was unbearable. I stopped taking pain killers and relied on Reiki to ease the pain.

In the meantime, another friend was raving about a homeopath she was seeing who had helped her to release old pains and completely changed her life. So I went to see her. I liked that she took a long case history; it was like speaking to a shrink. She said she would create the right pill and send it to me by post. A few days later I received it. I couldn't believe how tiny the pill was; if you blink you'll miss it. I wasn't convinced that "less is more," I wanted a whole lot more. I had another session with her and I told her it hadn't worked. She sent me another pill but I still wasn't impressed so I stopped seeing her.

Another friend recommended an acupuncturist who had helped her with an injury, so I went to see her. While I wasn't too keen on the needles, as a Reiki practitioner I could accept the notion of blocked energies. I was meant to have six sessions. After four sessions I told her the healing was taking too long and I wanted my body back.

I was now thinking of changing careers. I considered becoming a psychotherapist but I wanted to achieve my goal in the shortest time possible. I was drawn to study NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) where you can at least become a certified practitioner in 21 days. NLP is basically about understanding how humans think and how thoughts and beliefs are the cause of all our behaviour. Could it be that my thoughts were the cause of this pain in my knee? I have to admit the course was a lot of fun and gave me lots of useful tools and insights. I decided not to go for the master practitioner because it was too mental and expensive. I had a feeling I needed to focus on the spiritual side.

My quest was now no longer about healing my knee but about discovering who I am and my life's purpose. I studied Pranic Healing. Again this paradigm taught us how to clear congestion and depleted chakras and then get energised. Pranic healing was also a spiritual path in itself. After studying various meditation techniques I knew it was time to move on.

I also studied with a shaman who taught us how to release old energies holding us back. I learned another healing technique.

I also studied teachings by the ascended masters and angels which I hoped would heal the knee. Still no joy.

During my search for ways to heal I came across a book called "Science and Health" by Mary Baker Eddy but at the time it seemed too heavy going; besides, I was looking for a quick fix. About a year later while I was meditating, the inner voice recommended that I study "Science and Health." The book helped me to confront a lot of false beliefs I had about health and life in general. I even considered becoming a member of the Christian Science religion whose teaching is based on "Science and Health" and the Bible. However, the inner voice recommended that I shouldn't become one but simply get what I need from the book and move on, which I did. Naturally, I applied what I'd learned to heal the knee but the knee wouldn't budge.

Next I studied other New Thought teachings like Unity and Religious Science whose teachings focus on the use of affirmations, prayer, meditation and truth principles for healing and all areas of life.

One day I had this feeling that I'd had enough. There had to be something I hadn't tried. So I asked God to heal the knee once and for all. I was instantly shown a vision of myself running. "Yeah right! Who do you think I am, Forrest Gump?" I didn't believe it was possible. (For those who haven't seen the film, Forrest Gump has a disability and has to wear crutches. One day while he's being chased by some school bullies his legs are miraculously healed. After that Forrest Gump runs everywhere and even becomes a footballer, as in the American version not soccer).

One day just as I was walking to a bus stop I saw a bus approaching. As I didn't feel like waiting for another bus I ran for the bus. It was only when I got on board that I realised I had run without any pain or my knee giving way. After that, like Forrest Gump, I ran for many buses. Once I was running for a bus and I heard another bus beeping behind me. What's his problem? Only when I caught the bus ahead did it dawn on me that I'd been running on the bus lane. Big deal! At least I can run.

Now the knee episode was teaching me about the power of unbelief. You have to believe in something for it to work. The reason I couldn't stick with any therapy for long because I didn't believe in them. My unbelief was a guide showing me the truth of my real self. In other words, "a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."

Now let's examine the passage from the Scriptures:

"...Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit..."
Not by might

The doctor, orthopaedic consultants, the physiotherapist and the chiropractor worked "by might." This is a paradigm where the cause of everything is considered to be material. I had stopped believing in the world as material so their technique had no effect.

Nor by power

Power is the belief that the cause of everything is either emotional or mental. All the other therapists I saw and the therapies I trained in are coming from this belief. I could very easily have stayed in this "power" paradigm using right thinking and will to achieve desired results. Fortunately, my unbelief kept me searching until I had no choice but to take the leap of faith.

But by spirit

This was when I prayed for healing. Even when God showed me a vision, I still didn't believe. It was only after the vision was made manifest that I started to believe. As I got to experience more healing where I trust in God, my faith grew. Now I am a believer in the spirit way of doing things when you know it's already done and simply receive what has already been given.

The Light that I experienced in meditation is who I am now and always. In order to live as this Light I have to let go of the ways of might and power. In other words, I have to stop seeing the world as having a material or mental/emotional cause. There is only one cause and it is Spirit/Light. I then trust in the Light to work in Its own way. The way the Light works reminds me of when I used to have pain injections. In my late teens and early twenties I had constant migraine attacks, the ones where I needed to spend a few days in bed recovering.

One day my mother took me to see a Harley Street doctor someone had recommended. After a thorough examination he recommended an injection that would help with the migraine. It's funny how we'd never heard of this kind of injection from my doctor, but now that we were paying for it, it was now available. After that I didn't have any attacks until the drug wore off about six months later when I returned to the doctor for my fix. While the drug was doing its work I didn't have to think about it. It was only when I had the migraine again that it reminded me it was time to have another injection. Similarly, when I connect to the Light I don't need to worry about how the Light works. All I need to do is remember that I am Light and I live and have my being in Light. When the Light wants me to know something It reveals it.

I am so grateful for the gift of unbelief.

I believe in the Light that I am.
All is Light.


Related articles: Life is the Love-Light Expressing Self; Fitting a Square Peg into a Round Hole; Person or Spirit?; The Magician; Of Beliefs and Chasing Tails